1 Hour 30 Minutes

"What is my purpose?" Something everyone ask themselves. How do you determine your purpose in life? Is it the reason you get out of bed every morning? In our society we often associate one's purpose in life to their line of work, for this reason, I believe someone's purpose is a tricky concept, confusing, and stressful to say the least. Although it's a tricky question, everyone tries to answer it, I hate the question and try to answer it everyday. "Why do I need an answer?", also something I attempt to answer everyday.

In 8th grade I joined Restorative Justice (RJ). A class that teaches the philosophies and practices of RJ, initially joining the class because all the departing 8th graders explained it was an easy A. Although I signed up to join, I didn't expect the rigorous interview process that would come next, joining this class required 2 stages. First, you had to write a paragraph as to why you wanted to be student in this class. Second, you must take an interview involving the teacher, assistant principal, and a former student. I nailed both parts, yes I exaggerated my feelings a tiny bit but nonetheless the mission was complete, I was ready for my easy A. Now I also had an advantage during the class selection process. I was already acquainted with the teacher of the class, I was pretty familiar and really comfortable with the teacher as he was the facilitator of a group of black boys I was apart of. This group was created years before me with the intention of creating a safe space for black boys to grow into respectful unapologetically black men, a space where we could be introduced to a positive black male mentor who knows the cost of being a black man in America. I remember when I entered the classroom for the first time, I was mesmerized. The room was hypnotizing and spiritually healing, it made me tired, as if I could fall asleep peacefully without any lingering negative thoughts. Thats exactly what I did every class. At this point in time I didn't fully understand what restorative justice was. All I knew was that you sat in a circle, talking about your feelings, circulating around everyone in the group; the structure for circles stems from the creation of restorative justice in South Africa, where when persons in the village committed a wrong doing, the village chief would bring them to the center of the village with all the villagers forming a circle around said person, showering them with words of affirmation, then looking to understand what this person needed to succeed and make sure this wouldn't happen anymore. This is what the structure of every class looked like, it was pointless and stupid to me because I never talked about my feelings, quite frankly I felt that no one cared to even hear how I felt and I showed that. Every class I slept, drifting in and out of conciseness every moment of circle and the teacher never said anything, I assumed it was okay. I was never punished, yelled at, or looked upon in disappointment and in a way it was healing. Every feeling that I had felt when I walked into that room for the first time was real.

Ok, im exagerrating a little. There were plenty times I participated in class during the school year, majority of those times I would be awakened out of snow whites slumber, nonetheless I participated and that was enough. Each class was different, most times our circle topic had to do with the whatever may be on our minds, how the class is feeling, current topics or drama at school, this class flowed endlessly. The conversations would even last past the bell (not that I was there for it). During the second semester our teacher made an announcement regarding the 8th annual National Restorative Justice Conference; now the International Restorative Justice conference, people from around the world come to learn and sit in various circles with a vast catalog of experienced facilitators. Our teacher communicated with the class that every 2 years The National Association of Community and Restorative Justice holds this conference in a different U.S. state, and every conference students from this class attends and holds circles. If you desired to attend you must draft a circle agenda and, submit a 1 paragraph description of your circle and its purpose. I wasn’t interested, to be truthful I believe i fell back asleep during the announcement. One day a couple weeks in advance, my teacher approached me and advised me that I should submit a circle proposal for the conference. I had never held circle before besides taking on small co-facilitator roles here and there for a grade. Why would he ask me to submit a circle proposal, all I do is come to class and sleep. This confused me and interested me, despite these feelings I turned down his advice. During this period I wasn't in an adventurous head space, this was about mid April, 2022. My whole life up to this point was necessarily easy when it came to school. I didnt have to try to achieve a “good” grade, and when I tried something I usually succeeded. I applied to a highly competitive private high-school, I didn’t apply to any other because I was so confident I would get in. I didnt get in. I would tell my mom that it didn't matter if I got in or not because I'd rather go to a school with my friends, the whole application process I tried my absolute hardest, and it devastated me when I realized I got rejected. It was as if I wasn't good enough and worst part of all, I would never know why I didn't get in. Maybe it was my essay, or could I have possibly skunked the interview? Because of the mystery surrounding the reasoning as to why I didn't get in the school, I began to question everything about myself, almost like there wasn't any part of me that was "good enough".

I didn't take the advice of my teacher but he persisted, offering support through the whole thing, reassuring me that he believed in me. I don't remember whether I gave in because of the overwhelming support or because I didn't feel like hearing him ask anymore, either way I caved. Because it took me so long to accept the offer there wasn't much time left to submit a circle application. My 8th grade year also happened to be the year everyone came back to school after covid. It was miserable, everyone was mentally exhausted and socially awkward, but what I noticed most was how short tempered everyone seemed to be. It took 1 second for someone to snap at you, and no one was interested in talking out altercations. it had been so long since people talked face to face in a general setting that talking things out was no longer a skill for most. I believe it was for this reason that I chose the circle topic; Trauma Through Covid; Healing Through Community. Being a fairly social person it was painful coming back from covid, no one wanted to speak and no one was interested in conversation. This felt like the perfect topic, I lost my grandmother during covid so it was extra personal for myself. After finding a stable topic, the paragraph as to why was pretty easy. I finished the paragraph and sent it to my teacher, he submitted it then came time to wait. For some weird reason I was nervous, more nervous than I should be. All those feelings from not being accepted into that high school came back, this was the exact reason that I avoided trying new things, I might fail. I deliberately turned down opportunities and new challenges because if I failed, I would have to face the realization that I wasn't "good enough" once more. I regretted submitting a circle, I didn't like this feeling and constantly avoided these high-stress emotions. All I could think about is what if my circle wasn't good enough, but, my teacher told me it was accepted. I was ok, and even better this felt extremely good for me, I was proud of myself. All left to do was prep for July.

Copy of My Circle Template - June 10, 2022, 10:56 AM

TOPIC ACTIVITY TIME TIME STAMPS Social Minute Find a Seat 2min 10 - 10:02 Opening 30 sec of silence 1min 10:02 - 10:03 Welcome Purpose Welcoming Thank everybody for coming Purpose Of Circle Death Through Covid Introduction: Centerpiece Talking Piece Circle Keeper -…

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July came faster than I suspected and before I knew it, we were on a plane to Chicago. we arrived on the 7th of July, 1 day before I held my circle, the conference allotted me 1 hour 15 minutes for my space. I played it cool, I wasn't nervous, anxious, or excited at all. First on the agenda was food we went to the breakfast in our hotel, provided by the conference. We sat in a giant room with fancy table cloths, food, all in front of a stage where highly respected circle facilitators and philanthropist came to speak, and musicians gave calming performances. This would be a recurring thing throughout the conference during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It was now time for the group to attend to some circles being held by others, some of our own also had circles to hold on the first day. The day went by fast and I was exhausted when I got back to my hotel room (since I was the only boy, I got my own room), I would end up spending the majority of the night tweaking my circle agenda, ensuring it was absolute. I wasn't nervous, anxious, or excited at all, but those feelings of not being good enough were there once more. All I could focus on were logistics that I could not control, like what if not many people show, or what if the room isn't big enough, I fell asleep, woke up nervous, anxious, and excited. The day went by in the blink of an eye and almost before I could become conscious to fact, it was time to prep the room and hold my space. The room was about the size of a high school science class, about 40-45 seats. Me, my teacher, and classmates (that weren't also holding space) arranged the chairs in a circle, set up the center piece; a center piece is something that goes in the middle of your circle, usually various objects with meaning and items that resemble the 4 elements, a candle, flowers in a pot, things of that nature, all on top of decorative a piece of cloth. By the time we were done it was about time to open the doors, 1 hour 30 minutes, my head was racing, a group of people came in, I calmed down a little bit. As people shuffled in slowly I let them get accustomed to the room and strangers around them, I started about 15 minutes late, there were about 20-30 people. We had to many chairs, but we also had to many people for everyone to share out as one big group, i separated everyone into smaller more intimate groups of about 5 to 7. I introduced who I am, gave a welcoming and housewarming (nearest bathrooms, exit, sensitivity warning, things like that), before hopping right into a group discussion on a very sensitive topic i decided to share my story about losing my grandmother during covid. I purposely made this decision to share out my story first hoping it would inspire the room full of adults to also share their stories and trauma, this was also a bold choice for me, i haven’t shared this story or even spoke about it out loud before this very moment. I went to the center of the room nervous and jittery, with every word i uttered my lip quivered more then the last word, my eyes filled with tears during my story, I stayed strong while on the verge of breaking down. My story was only supposed to last for 5 minutes, I ended up going off script, rambling for about 15 minutes before getting a hold of my grounding, I ended my story still teary eyed, lip quivering, and hands fidgeting but I did it.

Although there were many, many, many thoughts circulating around my head along with feelings of grief, sadness, even a touch of anger and regret, I still had a space to run and people who needed things to get off their chest as well. Because of my late start I decided to skip some parts of my circle, letting it flow with me and my participants, after my story I saw how heavy hearted the room was, I felt the weight of every word during my story and it was as if everyone else could as well. We jumped right into the rounds of discussion where I would ask the guests a prompt to answer in their smaller circles; these prompts were related to the topic of circle. Having people get into smaller groups was another timely decision I made by assuming people would be more comfortable speaking about trauma in a more intimate controlled setting, this way people would also get enough time to throughly tell their story, because of this fact I ended up letting the discussion rounds take up the entirety of the remaining circle time. During discussion rounds I physically heard people say seeing myself get up and speak my story as a 14 year old kid, first inspired them to speak theirs, but secondly inspired some to speak of trauma that wasn't only through covid, trauma these folks have been holding onto for years, decades even. Tears, laughter, related memories and moments, I saw the impact that I had on these 20-30 people in just 1 hour 30 minutes, I ended the circle 15 minutes late due to me refusing to end the circle in the middle of such vulnerable moments, you could call this poor planning but I like to call the flow of circle. People flocked to me afterwards expressing words of appreciation and hugs full of love, it felt good seeing the impact that I made on these total strangers that I may never in my life see again. I shuffled people out slowly but surely after ending circle, I now had a new understanding for what restorative justice is and the impact it could have and it didnt dawn on me immediately but the next morning I awoke with a smile. This 1 hour 30 minutes changed my life, maybe for its entirety. I didn't notice for a long time but the way I would interact with strangers started changing, because I now understood none of us are strangers, understanding that every person has their own story helped me become a lot more patient. Now more than ever I became willing to understand the other side besides mine, someone's story is no longer just a story, it's a life same as mine. Along with becoming more patient and understanding of an individuals story and soul I began to go out of my way to ensure others smiled, a random act of kindness is no longer random, its calculated knowing that such an act can make someones day all the better. After this event my reasoning to wake up shifted from "it's just another day", to "there's work that needs to be done". my whole life spent dreaming of helping people and this 1 hour 30 minutes gave me the wisdom to understand how I can help and impact the lives of those who have lived my life three times over, as well as those who haven't lived half my life, the impact my words had on those "strangers" and the story I told, my story, inspired those who were anxious to speak their story. I was finally able to perceive that our life stories and memories are much more then just stories and memories, the history of our life dictate the entire way we digest the world around us and having the courage to speak out has profound effects on those around you but additionally, ourselves. We spend so much of our time suppressing our many thoughts, ideas, trauma, and insecurities that we convince ourselves no one will ever be able to understand us, we use this excuse as a way to further push back these unwanted thoughts and interactions. It takes an incredible amount of bravery to speak a truth (your truth) that you, yourself don't want to be true, just like when I told the story of my grandmother I did not want to face the fact that this was my story.

What is my purpose? I still don't know, but through this experience I found a reason to continue to get out of bed, I gained insight on the way we all have the same feeling of being un-understandable and when we share our stories we often find commonalities between one another. After that day I became more of an open book then ever, having more willingness of answering questions about myself , going out my way to show people that they are not alone in this world that could feel diminishing and isolating despite living on a planet populated by 8 billion people. The hardest part about being open is finding a reason to, most of us have a reason (or reasons) as why we shouldn't or "can't" be open to those around us, and although its scary, intimidating, and/or seems unnecessary the effect of being just a tiny bit willing to share your story can and will be extraordinary. Since I've held this space, I have dedicated my time to sharing the story of myself, my people and community through speeches, writing, and various community initiative's I have been endowed to inspire people to try better ways of communication, or to continue trying bettering their way of communication. I don't know what my purpose on this earth is, but 1 hour and 30 minutes gave me a mission and showed me a path that I will continue to walk and inspire those to walk on as well.