Exploring My Avoidance (1,000 Word Limit)

Whenever a person yells at me, speaks with arrogance, or simply upsets me, I go silent. So much that it's been called out from many people surrounding me. Now, in professional spaces, I take this spiritual leave of absence. I abstain from sharing any of my opinions whenever I can’t see a positive outcome from my words. My Mother says it's me shutting down, a partner opens the space and allows me the choice to use my words, and my friends have all asked me what's changed. It's odd because my life is advocacy. I've built my name, reputation, initiatives, and resolutions all off of advocacy. In contrast to the many things my silence is built off — it is strategic rather than a subconscious action. Now, in all actuality, that's how I've foolishly perceived the avoidance I've shown.

I have been advocating and holding spaces for years. Holding some of my first spaces inside national confrences at 14 years old. I've been seriously advocating for change within education in Oakland Unified School District for 3 years now. I've used my voice relentlessly and fiercely with a fire lit the entire time. Before I started advocating for everyone else I was first advocating for myself. Around the house, in school, and in everyday life. I never liked damaging someone's feelings, or making anyone feel ashamed for speaking. So no matter the absurdity of the idea or vulgarity of the comment, I always attempted to practice responding in a way that would be respectful. I never necessarily did this for the other party's benefit, but for myself. Not only to give myself a clear conscience, but so I could know confidently that while in the process of my own advocacy I wouldn't give the next party a reason to criminalize me or my words.

While in the process of advocating for everyone it seems I've lost that fire to advocate and speak up for myself. As I began advocating for tens of thousands of students I cracked certain doors for myself to be in rooms that would further the message I was pushing. In every room I've been in, whether it be with city, state, or country leaders, philanthropists and/or entertainers I've been the youngest. I've advocated for myself and the respect that's given to me every waking minute for the past 3 years. I've had to make my voice louder, more demanding, and potent in these rooms. I don't have the degrees, half the work or life experience that those I'm surrounded by have. Every event, every conversation, every handshake turned into a test to prove myself and that I belonged in these spaces. At some point in the last year I stopped trying to prove myself in these powerful spaces to these immensely influential people. Instead I became obsessed with turning my thoughts into things. I stopped advocating so intensely for myself and began to actually do the things I was communicating to those in power. I sat side by side with the people I so strongly advocated change to. So I wrote a resolution, held events, and raised money (all things I continue to do) to support these very real issues. I recreated those spaces I wanted so desperately to be in and made them available to all. I helped create spaces for better communication between the city and school district. I stopped advocating for my respect and became obsessed with demanding it. I won awards and received recognition for the work I'm doing. So now, in a lot of rooms I get the respect I wished for and stopped feeling the need to demand respect or advocate for myself at all. This derived from a mix of advocacy exhaustion, arrogance, and being jaded towards the purpose of my work. I've maintained a blog (hi guys) that allows me to advocate for myself in a different way. I've let everyone into my mind and put my pain out to the world, so how could I have been avoidant?

When I said I stopped advocating for myself, I meant it in every space. Every conversation with my Mother, I shut down. When I was with friends they would often ask, "Why don't you talk anymore?" My friends literally made fun of me because I would always talk everyone's ear off, and now I am "anti-social" and "mysterious". While in my mind I felt that there was nothing left to say. I didn't want to have a deep conversation, or gossip about school, or laugh around (as corny as it sounds). I was tired. I've been in motion for years relentlessly working and building. Once it was time to be around those who really knew me I just wanted to exist. In my eyes, anything you'd need to understand about me has been said in these personal accounts. And everything you'll need to learn can be learned through our experiences, so I stayed silent.

I was terribly confused as I began to realize that all of my loved ones around me slowly began to understand me less and less. All while the world around me embraced me. In the technical sense of my actions, I was avoidant. But I had advocated for myself for so long and once I felt I no longer could, I expected those who've always understood me to simply continue doing that. I hadn't been present though. The relationships I've fostered, even the successes I've experienced, and the pillars I've established have not lasted because of constant action, and advocacy. These relationships, successes, and pillars have been constant because of clear, consistent, and patient communication. My effective advocacy, lasting relationships, or even my grades needed clear and patient communication. I didn't believe I was being avoidant to those around me. Although my actions of showing up to many spaces as an advocate contradicted the totality of my avoidance. I hadn't understood that I could and was being avoidant in present moments with those whom I love. And, the second my communication stopped, or became impatient, inconsistent, and avoidant. My lasting relationships, nonstop work, grades, and advocacy began to fall apart slowly piece by piece – pieces I now have to pick up.

As always, thank you for lending me your time... Don't forget to become a member - One Love, Maximus.