"Im Trying": An insight on how unhealthy words form unhealthy habits

Every time any person congratulates me, pats me on the back, or tells me what I'm doing is impressive I say "I'm trying". Every single time without fail I look at them with a big smile on my face and say "thank you I try", or I say "I'm trying" but thats neither here or there. I believe that this very, very small wording says a lot about the way I perceive the life I live through my eyes and mind, and the negative connotations this phrase "I try" brings into my life.

I do not really know the exact time stamp of when I began saying this phrase, what I do know is that I say this a very substantial amount, but if I had to make a guess I'd say maybe around September - October 2024. I pick this specific time because this is when me and the people in my community started to have fairly heavy expectations of myself, with there already being a lot on my plate that was steadily growing. To give a little insight; in August of 2024 I started my first tenure on the Oakland Unified School District Board of Education. Along with being a student I didn't quite understand the skills, habits, and mindset that I needed to be not successful, but sustained. I was 16 years old and going into my junior year of high school, thinking back on the subject as a whole it was a complete Hail Mary. I sort of jumped into the role without exactly knowing what it completely entailed. Initially I wanted to run for Student Director because my longtime friend/big sister/mentor Natalie Gallegos was in the position of student director when I met her in 8th grade, and I aspired to be just like her, even though I always joked that I was attempting to be better then her.

I think it was around this time when I started describing the process of what I was doing as "trying" instead of achieving, or better yet even managing, because when people did applaud or express hopefulness and/or gratitude in what I was doing I couldn't accept it, since I knew I was always on the brink of falling and not getting up. In a more simple context I could not accept any words of appreciation because I personally always felt tired and mentally drained, and because I worked with and saw people doing similar things never stressing as much as me, It felt like all I truly was doing was trying and never achieving. This phrase has subconsciously changed the way I think about myself, the way I react to my achievements, and has formed rather rewarding but unhealthy habits.

I am a young Black man from the "hood" (it doesn't help that I have locs). There aren't many of my peers that make it "out" as some would say. There are many kids I have seen that are just as smart, creative, and aspirational as me that have been caught in the cycle of generational trauma, unhealthy habits and practices. Young Black men just as myself being targeted in school, by law enforcement, and society itself, amazing kids who were dealt a bad hand and continuously guided by those who were caught in the same cycle that has been institutionalized by our country. I have seen friends fall into this cycle, I can't help but carry guilt knowing that there are so many boys that carry the same knowledge and ideas as myself, but just have never been taught the way to communicate that knowledge and those ideas in a way society accepts...

For example, how someone from the suburbs(person A) will come to the "hood" and automatically get timid when speaking to one of our community members(person B). This is a result of them not understanding the way the vast majority of us have been taught to communicate, and because person A has constantly and consistently been taught and reassured of the socially accepted way of communication, the majority of our way of language is foreign and scary. These forms of communication when conversing consist of tone of voice, facial expressions, direct language and pronunciation, and even body control.

...and because I have been taught how to code switch, from unique opportunities and having people who allowed me to see a different perspective outside of my everyday life, I too have been socially accepted. I can't help but feel there's more I can do, I am constantly trying to do more, trying to improve the quality of life for my people, trying to live as best I can for those same boys whose lives were led for them. Along with guilt I also carry fear. It's very challenging to not internalize these things along with the stereotypes and expected life of a human that looks and is from a place like myself. So when I say I'm trying it is because this work I am doing does not stop at me, and I can always attempt to help more people. When I achieve something the only thing I can think about is how I could've done more, tried harder. I am constantly scared of failing, of proving society right, and although they might not be watching I'm afraid of letting down those caught in this cycle.

Because of these constant feelings of needing to do more and try harder everyday, I also began verbally saying to myself everyday, "I have to try harder" "I have to do more". Just as we may make ugly comments to ourselves about our looks or body, and when we are called pretty we can't even begin to digest and appreciate the words of others, just as I can not begin to digest words of appreciation. I can only process and believe the words I say to myself and in result those words turn into action. This is where the bad habits start, because I am constantly telling myself to try harder and do more that is what I do. This internalization of the words I say resulted in me never taking breaks and constantly thinking my achievements are sterile. Although this habit has been fairly rewarding and causes people to respect me, it is also leading me to sacrifice hanging out with friends, going to parties, even playing my Playstation, also tending to spend my birthdays working. My overall life and majority of my time has become pretty devoted to my various initiatives, community engagements and city work all with the end goal of trying to achieve more, help more people. This nonstop devotion and constant sacrifice has mentally isolated me in many ways from friends, family, and peers. Its hard for a lot of people my age to grasp what Im trying to achieve, so in return I have lost many friends and have resorted to just sticking with my the friends who've been around for the majority of my life. Additionally, although it might be corny, I constantly push away many love interest, or teenage love interest. This had negative effects on me in the beginning, but I actually believe over time it became healthy and I learned peace in loving myself on my own.

Many people tell me I have to live and enjoy life as a 17 year old because I'll never get this time back, but in contrast to this work I do and all the negative feelings that arise and habits that form, there are many upsides. I am very happy and content with what I do and every morning I have a reason to keep pushing and keep reaching more people. Life is often very fast paced for me, I am ascertaining a lot of knowledge and wisdom along with meeting and befriending people I've read about, done projects on, and idolized. Through the majority of the initiatives and ideas that I've blossomed so far into my career were first conceived in 8th grade when I begun advocacy and social justice work, I now have obtained the resources and network to bring these ideas to life, so many of the things I do are very surreal for myself. This has taught me prioritize meditation and times where I can debrief and catch up with myself and the many things that are constantly happening, whether its waking up at 6am to get some me time before I start my day, or meditating before I go to sleep, there needs to be time I can get to myself to stay sustained.

I emphasize that all of these feelings are current, and all of the habits I speak about are still present, I have struggled throughout writing this to not label these feelings as past tense. Although I know and understand where these actions, thoughts, and words derive from I have not yet been able to pick them out and replace them from my inventory of habits and reactions. Part of me doesn't want to replace these habits and maybe that's the fear and/or guilt holding on or maybe, I'm afraid that if I allow things to slow down I won't be able to pick it all back up. Either way I'm still trying everyday.