Is It All Worth it... Just To Be Great.

Lately, increasingly more than ever I've been wondering if it's all worth it... Is the stress worth it? Were all the long nights, the sacrifices or the relationships I've rejected during this journey worth losing myself, or better my saneness in the process? I often ask myself "am I happy?", questioning everyday if I actually feel anything at all. How could all my dreams die because I don't do an assignment, how could the faith others have in me dwindle away once they see my grades. I often ask myself why didn't I just put all my time in sports or maybe it could've been the entertainment business. I am person who would rather die, then constantly feel chained as if my journey or actions acted out are governed by anything other than my own mind. It is an odd turn of fate that I chose politics, as a boy from the hood who is constantly surrounded by rap lyrics, sports, and many souls who've been deemed hopeless, it feels like no one around me, understands me. People look at everything I am doing – my accomplishments, awards, and recognitions. Many people see the rooms I'm in and expect me to be a standout student thats top of my class. I am just a person who wants to help everyone, I don't want my life to be governed by exceptions from the positions and tittles I hold. Some may say thats childish or ignorant, simply because things are given titles specifically from the expectations we've fostered from their actions. For example, as a society we have called and named lights on streets,"street lights" based off the constant reality that every night, when the sun goes down the lights above the streets will shine bright. I am not angered or distraught because the majority has curated expectations for me to show up with a smile, and wise words, or to be a standout student. That is what I have done, and it would be unwise to not expect people to expect a constant, I am simply jaded. My biggest mistake was not realizing that early enough.

I ask is it all worth it because I can continue down this path blindly, but when will I definitively know and feel in my spirit and soul that everything was worth it. Everyone says I must slow down. If I keep going this route I'll crash before I get anywhere significant. Folks tell me that I'm still young, "be a kid" they say. I say the opposite. Why slow down? Why stop? how about just not crash? I'm in fear that if I slow I'll lose control of this ride and might never be able to hop back on. I believe I'm feeling the weight of my actions more now than ever. I have accomplished more earlier, and started earlier than many of the greats in my field before me. I am in fear of losing it all, because what I am attempting to accomplish I can't even begin to imagine. I wouldn't say it's a consequence to my actions, but rather a stepping stone all must go over to become great.

What does it take to be great? We all learn about the great people who lived, the legends. More times then not their lives end sad and mentally alone, so distanced from everyone and everything that the only tangible evidence that proves their existence is the greatness left behind. When talking about these people we all must ask the question, "was it worth it?". Was the mental distant from everyone and everything worth it. A large part of me says yes but the truth is that I feel alone. It is hard, because in a world where I will be the only one to ever truly understand the weight within the stories in which my words derive from, how can I not feel alone? I believe this is how many of us think. While it becomes increasingly difficult in times of self unsureness to rid these feelings of mental solitude, people adopt different ways of communication with others as we begin to perceive our own life as un-understandable. I spent a lot of time attempting to be understood in my early life, I talked endlessly until I no longer could. I tried everything that would help me understand people, so that I could improve on how to make people better understand myself. I did this because it felt like if people didn't understand me, then I couldn't fully understand myself and my own actions. I wanted people to reassure me of my actions and tell me they liked what I did or appreciated my comments or actions. I thought that if I could simply learn a way of communication that made people listen to me, then making them understand me wouldn't be a problem. In my quest to ascertain knowledge on effective communication I began to listen more – what do people like hearing and seeing, what makes people stop and turn their head. I stopped talking, and started listening.

Now the world around me understands me more than ever, many people love me, appreciate me, or praise me for my resilience and persistence. But in my quest to make the world understand me, I only allowed the world to understand me as I presented myself. And, in my silence I allowed my loved ones around me to only see what I presented to the world and so, the only person who truly understands me is myself. To be great we are told you must be strong, brave and resilient. Those who are remembered as great understood that their mission was bigger than they could ever be, so their suffering is irrelevant. I have often wrote about others perception on myself and how many see a perfect picture. I now realize that is because I have only allowed the world to see a perfect picture. I've hidden the late nights, rejected the relationships and embraced the sacrifices. I've hid the pain and unbalance because the journey, the mission is bigger than myself. And, to myself I am just one piece in a puzzle I will never see solved.

Now I am starting to know that I will never verify if it's all worth it. I will never know if the pain is worth it, or the anxiety, stress, and sacrifices. But, I am beginning to understand that I do not have to paint a perfect picture to be great. I still want people to understand me, the same I did all those years ago. I don't know what my goal is by allowing the world to see my pain. Perhaps I am attempting to burn a perfect picture not knowing what I am destroying, but only hoping to create something more beautiful in the process.

As always thank you for reading... - One Love, Maximus.