The Duality of Max, versus Maximus

Our identities consist of so many unique traits. In my opinion consisting of a persons thoughts, habits, temperament, sexuality, and disposition. These are more mental character traits, but due to the society we live in, majority of people see our identities consisting of things like skin color, gender, socioeconomic class, and your name. These special traits that make up our identities play a really sneaky role in our actions and guiding the way we see the world, and ourselves.

My name is Maximus Michael Simmons, and although I've always addressed myself as such upon meeting a new person, for 15 years I'd immeditently follow up with, "it's ok, you can call me Max". My name felt like a burden along with my many other features society has conditioned me to believe were my entire identity, the things I could not control. Things like my skin color or place of birth. My name felt too long, complicated and all over the place. I lowered myself by allowing others to call me Max, but truthfully, I was giving someone space to instead say something like, "no I love Maximus". What I got in return wasn't validation from others that my name was lovable. It was disappointment every time someone failed to say the words I was longing to hear, and my identity was left feeling small. I felt small because I could not accept Maximus as part of me. It felt embarrassing to be Maximus, sounded embarrassing, and the jokes about my name, about me, hurt. There were people who told me how cool and unique my name was, but everyone already knew me as Max, the majority saw Max so I did as well.

Note: When I describe Maximus as "he", as if thats a different entity entirely, he kinda is, Maximus and Max are 2 different perceptions I have had of myself. These 2 separate perceptions have resulted in me perceiving these 2 identities as 2 separate people all together. The way I am perceiving my own being in some rooms rather than others. These separate perceptions and a lack of proper self identification as you will read, results in many bad habits and negative feelings of myself.

I remember one day sophomore year, in my social justice class, we were speaking about identity, and how all the different elements of you form your identity. This gave me the incentive to do in-depth research on what a person's identity truly means and how it affects an individual. My whole life until this point I loathed the sound of someone saying “Max-i-mus”, just outright sounding boxy whenever anyone said it. This research demanded that I think about all the times someone made jokes about my name, expressed how they would address me as Max because it's “easier,” even when someone couldn’t spell my name without play-by-play assistance. I realized all these experiences made me feel lesser about claiming Maximus. I began to understand that I felt like I had to shorten one of the few things that was guaranteed to me whole. I never saw myself whole, and in return I was too afraid to present who I was as a whole.

By junior year, and through many hours of introspection, things would change. I was elected to represent 34,000 students on the OUSD Board of Education…to be in rooms with important people, people with power. To become a respected leader, I needed to be sure of my decisions, my words, and myself. I made sure that every room I entered, I was addressed as Maximus. This felt empowering, giving me pride and suddenly, everyone respected who Maximus was. I actively spoke truth to power during board meetings, frequently advocating for practices around team building, proactivity, self reflection, and restorative justice. My ideas were somewhat radical given my age, and the community backed me up and my name began gaining traction. This felt weird and still feels weird. The applauds, awards, and comments expressing inspiration and hopefulness in me, didn't feel right. There were many reason as to why these expressions from others felt wrong, (which I go over many of the other reasons in my various pieces written). Specially when people cheered for Maximus, who he was and what he was doing. My experience with understanding my identity and name all happened very fast. As I was attempting to define and explore who Maximus was, he was being defined by expectations. I have never known or understood who Maximus is, outside of being a public figure and the countless expectations he's faced with everyday.

People had began putting a face to the name Maximus Simmons and internally, I became what felt like a character, splitting one road into two. In public I was Maximus Simmons, a mature kid with a bright future and mind who has it all figured out. Someone who people look up to, speaks his mind, and has a great big smile. As Maximus I have to communicate to so many different people from different backgrounds and upbringings everyday. Speaking to people in high positions, and sitting through hours of meetings everyday cycling through so much information that I become mentally exhausted, but still finding a way to smile. My overall schedule day in and day out is prioritized for Maximus and what he has to do or should do, because it just feels right.

At home and with friends I’m still Max, the awkward kid who can't keep his room clean, has feelings of insatiableness, and is constantly stressed with what feels like the burden of weight, from countless expectations and cheers to keep it up. As Max I feel guilty, as if I'm someone I'm not. I get into the mode of Max when I am away from everything, the meetings, events, applauds, etc. I lay down feeling guilty and do nothing for hours, knowing Maximus would go and do something productive. I sit at a split road, because Maximus and Max are one and the same. Max who was once an open book, now has a hard time speaking about himself to his friends. Usually forgetting to inform his family about what Maximus is doing or has coming up because honestly, it doesn't feel like my place as Max to speak about what Maximus is doing. All of the things Max wants to do in his free time such as, playing games, hanging out, etc... are not prioritized, because it just doesn't feel right.

I constantly grew and acquired knowledge to keep up with Maximus. I devoted all the time I had as Max, all my resting time, to perfecting who Maximus is. If Max wanted to be half the person Maximus was, who I thought he was, there had to be sacrifices. In an attempt to perfect Maximus, I forced Max to sacrifice relationships, time with friends, and cherish-able teenage memories. Parties and playing the Playstation on the weekends were no longer options. In return, Maximus has been able to help countless people, I sacrifice with no second thought knowing the amount of people I could help. I learned to communicate with adults three times my age. Although I go to school everyday, I speak to more adults in positions of power than I do children my age, thus it has become hard for Max to speak to children my age. I spend so much time as Maximus using big words and articulating myself to older people, that it has become my primary language. I didn't understand what I truly sacrificed, or better yet who. 

As senior year progresses, every day feels like three, one month feels like a blink. I have very little time to process everything happening, because something new happens every week. One day I’m in rooms with people I've idealized my entire life, speaking for thousands of people, holding trauma relief spaces for adults twice my age. The next day I'm back at school learning about the things I'm already doing every day. Being Maximus has allowed me to help and inspire countless people. I’ve dedicated all my time as Max to processing all of the things Maximus is experiencing and accomplishing. As a result, I have forgotten who Max is, the person away from all the noise, the person who is focused on simply being. For a long time Maximus was not me, but now he's everything I ever wanted others to see me as; cool, charming, lovable, helpful, (and of course handsome). I’ve gained so much pride and empowerment from being Maximus, that I completely shut the door on Max, an identity that I’ve claimed for my entire life. I failed to realize that Maximus isn’t my full identity. Max is not me, nor is Maximus. These 2 separate names, Maximus and Max, are the ways that I am able to define my identities in a way that makes me comfortable. These separate perceptions are the result of me trying to find peace and understanding in a life that is coming at me faster than the normal teenage experience. An attempt to understand myself and how my knowledge, speaking, and thinking has altered drastically over the course of one year. To write this essay, and show up in spaces confidently as (Max)imus completely, I had to confront the truths about these separate identities, their habits, things I'm proud and ashamed of, strengths and weaknesses. I think it's very easy to get caught up in perceiving yourself as having one true identity, one true thing that defines the totality of yourself, something that people can look at and define as you. For myself it was my name. I’m learning it is just as important to identify and nurture the whole of who you are, not only what makes you feel good and what others see. If you don't look at the whole problem, you cannot begin to see a full solution.