"Important Days": Exploring My Everyday Reason.

Lately I’ve been working very intensely, going non stop almost everyday. Working on various initiatives, in work with the mayors office, leading a team, sitting on the Board of Education, all whilst a student. Although for the past couple of months, I have upheld and excelled in my various responsibilities, I lack motivation and feel apathy. I physically feel it; the deeper breaths, longer and more frequent sighs, idling excessively before walking into work and/or school. But, some days I notice I’m not like this at all, particularly days I deem as "important". Those days where I might have multiple meetings discussing heavy topics. Or, maybe it’s an event I’ve marked on my calendar. My question has been what separates those days, from the ones leading up to those marked on my calendar? What is the difference in my reasonings to the way I live my life, on those different days?

This past Friday, I received what I will call my first major award. The NAACP; Oakland branch, recognized my work on the OUSD Board of Education. Honoring me with the Education Award, for my relentless activism, advocacy, and commitment to providing OUSD students with prioritization and representation in decision making. I started that Friday rushing to school around 9:30am, suited in business casual clothes to present a paper for english class. I got to school at 9:50, roughly 15 minutes before class started. Due to me lacking motivation the days prior, I delayed writing my award speech. I sat in my car and wrote up the first draft of my speech, I had been allotted 2 minutes to speak. I quickly wrote something up, hopped out the car and ran to class, giving my presentation around 10:40, whilst class ended at 11:40. I floated around a little during lunch which is from 11:40am to 12:18pm. Now I didn't stay the entire lunch, as I had to be somewhere at 12:45. This special somewhere happened to be a panel with other leaders, titled, Shaping the Future – Leadership and Opportunity in Oakland. I arrived to Franklin Elementary school at 12:45, where the panel would take place, lasting roughly 2 hours, ending at 2:30. This was an enriching conversation – usually on days where I have speaking engagements I like to keep my mind sharp. Sometimes engaging in deep conversations with friends, editing pieces, reading books such as 7 Habits of highly effective people, or watching educational videos. Deliberately doing things that will make me really think past the surface of whatever topic may be at hand, and force me to further understand myself. I do many of these practices during my 'regular' days but on days like these I find myself taking more time to sharpen the blade. Prioritizing my time a lot wiser, and sacrificing fun, or any 'want' I may have. Now I do many of these things regularly, but on my important days, they're all I do. The Gala started later that evening at 6pm. Prior to Friday I went to Mens Warehouse to purchase me a nice new green, old money, type of suit to receive my award in. Before I headed home to get ready, my friend called me up for a quick side mission – his car had battery died, an affliction my car has been cursed with. He was over near my school, which was on the way home, so real quick I helped him out and headed home to get ready.

With the Gala near I picked up the suit from my mother, and got ready for the night. I had a forest green suit, (which by the way complimented me very well). It gave off that hint of old money, with a blue floral print tie, with small light green leaves to signify my youth and heavy blue flowers in the background. I got to the event about 25 minutes after the reception had started, many people mingling, lawyers, CEO's, billionaire's, mayors, every decision maker in the North Bay Area...

I would often feel as if I'm an imposter in spaces such as these. It felt as if I was small, a little child among adults (which quite frankly I am). I would go into these spaces feeling like that little Black boy from Oakland who is in over his head, with a dream I've seen crushed a thousand times within those before me. This way of thinking causes me to push myself, strain my brain with knowledge and overtax my body from constant running around on important days. I hope that with these practices no one will be able to see me as just that little Black boy from Oakland as I do myself. I hope that from conversation with friends my voice will be increasingly powerful, I read books and watch videos hoping my knowledge will be on par with the greats arounds me.

...I mingled for a while until it was time for the program to run, but while that was going on I was outside the ball room, polishing the speech I just wrote that same morning. The program was beautiful, with youth performances of soulful music and dance, inspiring and encouraging speeches from pastors, CEO's, and activist. After the speeches and performances, it was time to go onward to the award ceremony. The NAACP honored members of the community who are doing extremely important and vital work to improve the community in which we all share.

As the MC's read the bio's of those who will be receiving an award, and as they came up to give their speech, one after another there I was polishing my own. Before I knew it they were calling my name, reading my bio, acknowledging me. I walked up the few stairs that led to the stage, approached the podium as I slickly took out my speech from my secret blazer pocket. I took a deep breath, and in what felt like that same breath my speech was over.

Everyone loved it, everyone stood up applauded, cheered, and patted me on the back, while I couldn't help but feel like a fraud. I felt like a fraud for not taking the time to create my speech, and because the preceding days felt as if I were whisking them away and mushing them together in a bowl, I did not prioritize my time to write this speech days before this moment. Although I knew that I had to write a speech, I delayed doing so because it's gotten easy, and has gotten increasingly easier to carelessly let time pass, without setbacks occurring. I've done this hundreds of times by now, I've practiced, I've prepared, I've felt and understood the weight of my words, and I choose them very wisely and carefully. I'm tired, exhausted even, running full speed for miles. In the midst of this marathon I've picked up a few tricks to understand how to maximize my free time and energy, while not letting my career fall under from carelessness. While this seems amazing, as I've said my days feel mushed, stuck together in a long line of the same ingredients that still makes me smile, but does not blow me away. That is why on my eventful days I feel so sharp and ready, it's easy to make my important days important because I'm looking forward to something new and challenging. And, if I ever wish to conquer such a task within a day, I must take every step, forward or backwards, with that task in mind.

When I walk into most rooms I no longer feel like an imposter. I have understood what I ofter to spaces, and realize people don't open their homes to those not welcomed and contributing. I once believed, or maybe have forced myself upon believing my feelings as an imposter was the reason for my change in practices on these eventful days. But, it wasn't my emotions, or insecurities that changed my themes of those days. It is my 'why' that changes my practices on said days. The overarching idea of my life changes on these days. My 'why', for doing the work that I do has all started with the simple theme to help those in need, allow those who feel unheard to not only be heard, but feel heard. Through exposure and working in politics my theme on important days when I'm giving a speech, receiving an award, sitting on panels, or holding an event has become what feels almost performative. My practices change because I want people to see me, understand me deeper, and appreciate me more.

I've always perceived my why in this world as a mission help as many people as possible. A calling to someday change the world and improve the quality of life for as many as possible before I take my last breaths. But through everything I do – throwing events/fundraisers, advocating for my constituents, attempting to pass legislation, trying my hardest on a test, or just doing the dishes for my mother. There is always a forefront idea of being helpful, with consistent background emotions of yearning for recognition, appreciation, and begging to be seen. I have understood how to channel these weary emotions behind my conscious thoughts, into positive actions benefiting those on the receiving end. I am able to do this because of a deep, deep uncomfortableness and insecureness I feel from these emotions, that I would hate to inflict on to others. This way of thinking has allowed me to forgive and forget certain emotions people inflict on my heart, and serves as a way for me to control my reactions. This philosophy has further set me on a track of nonstop work, nonstop helping of others before myself, and never feeling appreciated. The truth is, I can never feel seen, appreciated, or understood since I cannot see myself, appreciate myself, or understand myself. I still hold these inflicted feelings close to my heart, unable to accept any emotions that come with the words, "thank you, I appreciate and see you". Because, I want people to appreciate who I am, not Max or Maximus, not my accomplishments nor favors, not the tittles I hold nor people I know, just me. But all I believe I am is the work that I do to help and improve anyone I can, hoping I'll be seen in the process.

Therefore my 'why', my everyday reason for the immeasurably important work that I do for my community derives from my deep subconscious feelings of wanting to be seen/heard myself.