Stuck in your Ways

She

From the day you met her you told her you loved her...

Not directly, "I love you" , of course not.

But you told her that you loved the things she did, along with the words she spoke, and the way she listened. You loved how she made you feel found even when you felt lost, and you loved her forced rudeness but even more her reluctant vulnerability. You loved when she sometimes caught silly attitudes that you could kiss away patiently.

You told her you loved these things, not because you pre-planned to shower her with love, but because you felt all these feelings so greatly and immeasurably, that there was nothing else you could think of to say.

You often joked when you said it in fear of coming off too strong, but nonetheless you meant it. You knew what it would cause her to feel and you knew you probably couldn't uphold anything in the long run, but nonetheless you said it.

She was everything you needed, and you were everything she thought she ever wanted. You told her things that she's always dreamed to hear, sentences that you meant with your whole heart – at least it felt like the whole thing.

She wanted to spend everyday with you, and everyday with her didn't sound bad. She took you places that were only familiar to her world, places she trusted nobody else to see. She would tell you who she wanted to be one day and the future she saw that kept her awake at night. You always told her how you believed in her, and assured her to rest easy at night, knowing you alone had faith none of her dreams would turn into nightmares.

She had the biggest dreams, bigger than anyone you've ever known. At times it seemed the world was too inadequate for the things she hoped to see, yet you assured her that the world would one day change, and for her only.

Too Much and Not Enough

You foolishly always said a lot more than what was ever needed, as if you were piloting a bomber plane full of love, waiting for the perfect moment to shower her with empty promises and inconsistent words.

But at the same time you foolishly never said enough, always falling quiet in times of need, always when she needed you to say something... literally anything that could reassure her of your inconsistent words.

Love Me (please don't Hate Me)

You've been broken so many times by this point that you're jaded to what love truly is; you love hard, fall down harder, and break your heart more every time.

You've foolishly poured your heart out, saying everything you felt to those who you thought were everything. Your words were ignored, and your gifts never matter as much as the other person's, they treated your body as a toy, while your thoughts of their beauty and intelligence meant nothing, and soon you started to think – you were never enough for any of them.

You're too hurt to admit to her that you don't know what love truly feels like. You're much too embarrassed to tell her that you don't know the type of memories that should linger, or what those moments should really portray. You're too ashamed to ever explain that you don't know what it means to truly show up for her. And, you're way too conceded to ever tell her that there are others.

You have been treating everyone as if they're the only one; embracing this one, then showing up for that one, while you lend your ear to a different one, before you go make love to another one.

You do things that forces them to love you, hoping that when they say it, maybe it'll finally sounds like the truth instead of shitty lie.

You're not sure if you've really loved them all like you've said, but you say it, and you act like it – so who's to say you don't, and who are you to tell yourself or anyone else otherwise.

Hate Me ( 'least you Loved Me)

You will never understand the hate your brewing, and the hurt your doing. You will never hear the tears she's dropping or feel the trauma you're creating. You're slowly turning her into a monster filled with pain and heartbreak that will attack anyone who gets too close ever again.

You assume she's destined to leave you one day – maybe not today... and probably not tomorrow... but one day.. one day she'll leave, so history says.

It feels like they've all left you when you needed them most. Now you put up no fight as she threatens you with loneliness, and now it's you sitting with the straight face as she desperately begs you to say something... anything that will show her you care.

But, at least now you don't send unnecessary paragraphs, or cry yourself to sleep at night from foolish, 'what ifs'. At least now you don't vent to your friends, or hang on to your vices. At least now you don't linger on the past, or regret your decisions... at least now you don't care whether they stay, leave, hate, or love you.

Choosing you..

She wanted so badly to be everything you needed. And you wanted so badly for her to believe she was worth having everything she ever wanted.

...

Her whole life she never thought of anything to be only hers. She never saw someone show up for her, or heard someone say what she needed to hear. She never felt a touch that didn't make her feel degrading towards herself, and the only lingering thoughts she ever had known was pain and trauma.

You told her things that allowed her ears to know what love sounded like while you touched her in gentle ways.. never rushing... never impeding, only caring for and trying to understand her. You made memories that allowed her to dream about a future with someone else, and you nefariously made all her thoughts linger on you.

She chose you over her ears every time you slipped up and called her the wrong name. She chose you over her eyes every time you showed her that you weren't prioritizing her. She chose you over her words every time she swore that she was done with you. She even chose you over her own heart... every time another promise was broken.

She constantly chose you over everything she believed herself to stand for, and you constantly made her feel like she wasn't worth anything to who she wanted more than everything.

...Choosing Her

No matter how much you told her you loved her, she never got around to fully believing you as she hears the unsureness when you say it and she sees the other girls you look at when your not looking at her, and to her, she can feel that your slowly slipping away...

So she constantly ask you questions about the other woman, and you always answer wrongfully... and wrongfully again, giving her truths that are more bearable, knowing the whole would break her heart fully.

...

She believed that she finally found someone who saw her, and only her. But you saw everyone else; every other girl that walked past y'all, every other girl that complimented you, every other girl you found attractive... You saw every girl except the girl who truly wanted to see you, and only you...

And she tried endlessly to be ok with it... trying so hard not to think about the others, and lying constantly to her own heart for you, constantly shifting her boundaries and standards for you... she tried... tried.. and she tried so hard, wanting so badly for it to be you...

But she couldn't handle not being the only one you saw, after all who could, and with tears in her eyes she tells you that she wishes you never said those things, or did those things, painfully saying she could never love you the same, and hopefully one day she may not have to.

It hurt her to much to see everything she wanted, wanting everything else. So she chooses herself as she's starting to see a world where you never will... more painfully, she's beginning to see one where nobody ever will.

...

I hope you enjoyed.

- One Love,

M.S.