Greedy for love

Greedy

You lay awake, late at night scrolling through your phone, wondering who you'll call to help you fall asleep that night. Maybe you'll call the one who didn't share the same feelings as you and see if she's changed her mind. Maybe you'll call the one who lets you fill her house full of smoke, or makes you drinks to cope with problems that you'll never share. Maybe you'll spend the night in their bed, or riding in their car, or going on another date that means nothing to you.

Whatever you choose you know you won't spend your night alone, so you call one up and spend the night with them instead. You go late at night because you only ever need help sleeping. You just want someone to hold you as if they can't let go. Even if it was only for the night, you treat them like royalty as you shower them in endless kisses and drunken love, and you leave them soon after the sun rises.

They never actually helped you sleep and you never go to sleep before them. You end up spending most of the night staring at the ceiling, contemplating, same as every other night, though at least now you have someone beside you.

You think about how you got there and if she really loves you, or if you really love her. Deep down you know that you don't, and you probably never will.

You wonder if she really means all the words she's said, because you know you probably don't mean the ones you've said.

You question if she has others while to you she's just another.

You know this night will linger on their mind, until you call them up once more to do the same things over again...

So before you go to sleep, you tell them you love them, hoping they can't hear you, hoping that'll make it mean something different, hoping it'll make up for your inconsistent communication, inconsiderate actions, and all of your precarious ways.

You hope they understand you care about them more than your actions show.

...

You can't even imagine what it's like to be in love with you.

Love With You Pt1

You limit conversations and disappear for extended periods of time. You spend so much time with them and disregard it like nothing, treating your memories made with them like deja vu. You show up for the little things while you devastate their expectations when they need you for the big things. You make heavy promises that weigh on their hearts knowing you always, without fail, one day will break them both simultaneously.

They ask you questions with tears in their eyes – you answer with a blank face while they give you chances that you take unseriously – like they're infinite – like they'll never actually leave.

Afterwards, they plead to you for the truth while you promise them everything is the same and nothing has changed.

Then they give you dilemmas that you ignore while you prioritize someone else, because your "stressed out"

You love the chase and hate when you catch them.

You always wonder how they feel when you go silent on them and ignore their attempts to talk to you. You wonder if they blame themselves for your distance and lack of words. You wonder how many tears you've failed to hear because your actions made them think you've never cared. You wonder how much they really believe you when you tell them, "I love you". You wonder why they stay around even after everything you've put them through.

And you wonder if you're gradually breaking them, same as people gradually broke you.

Young and Innocent

You always went after the ones who didn't want you fully, only partially, and you endlessly tried to prove your full worth to the wrong people.

Every time you were alone they would look at you like you were everything, then walk past you in public like you were nothing. They 'cherished' you, but couldn't be seen with you. They listened to you, embraced you, supported you, and even loved you... and they showed it, but could never say it. Many times they whispered that no one could know, but screamed that you weren't more than friends.

You wanted them to love you so badly, running miles after it every time... exhausting yourself every time because they never loved you the same.

But, no matter what, you loved them and could never hold it in. You always had to tell them, and you always had to pour your heart out while undoubtedly knowing, that it would more than likely mess up a good thing. You poured your heart out while they only ever needed you for the night as a an ear to vent to, or an extra to hang out with, or a body to use.

You loved them while they didn't love you back, and you hated them for that. You were young and innocent, foolish and greedy, but that never minimized the pain and heartbreak you felt when they committed those insensitive crimes against your heart.

It broke you every time, and sometimes you cried, while other times you would delusionally tell yourself, "it's a lie and they didn't mean to commit that crime."

...

Alchemical Transmutation

Your pain turned to anger and what was left of your heart turned to stone. Your silence became greater and your actions became quieter. The love you showed, once truer than any words you could think to say, became nothing but strategically thought out sentences with beautiful words and a seductive tone.

You stopped pouring your heart out and stopped telling them your problems, while you zoned out when they told you theirs. You stopped wanting your relationships to be more than what they were, and became ok with the fact that it was probably only your turn.

You never got personal with anyone anymore and kept every woman at a certain distance...

You began treating everyone how you once treated those special few, making them all special not knowing that meant no one was. You do everything right, and they love you, and that scares you.

And as much as you love hearing them say, "I love you." You hate it all the same, greatly angered that it never came when you wanted it, and pleaded for it, or when you felt that you most crucially needed it.

Everything became jaded and everybody you spoke to felt fake, but you still needed to hear them say, "I love you"

...

You can't even imagine what it's like to be in love with you.

Love With You Pt2

You blame everything you do on your pain, and blame those who took you for granted. You blame it on your youth, saying you're young and need to experience life. You blame it on them and nitpick their accidents, scrutinizing all who aren't perfect.

You blame everything you do on your past, and those who ruined you for everyone else. You blame them for making it so difficult to open up. Blaming them for making your heart cold and taking advantage of such an innocent soul.

You blame it all on everything but your actions, everything but your lack of care... You blame everything and everyone but yourself.

You blame, you blame, you blame.

And you never once tell the whole truth, you never once apologize wholeheartedly or reassure those who love you now, and you never once stop your inconsiderate ways.

All you do is blame...

You

You have relegated them to a painful role, one that is much worse than what you once held.

Taking out your pain and anger on innocent souls whom intentions have nothing to do with those in your past.

You blame everything but yourself, while you run from everything that feels real, and everything that may hurt you.

Stuck

Your relationships with them will never see the daylight, as you're stuck only ever seeing them through the night.

You’re stuck killing them all before they begin since you believe they’ll never last.

And you surround yourself with many while your stuck feeling endlessly alone...

I hope you enjoyed

- M.S.

One Love.