Im Not Suicidal

"I give myself away, so you can use me."

– These lyrics are from a popular gosple song. Lyrics I used to run around the house singing, lyrics that my mom recently reminded me of, ones she would say has deeply resonated and impacted my current life. Just because I am writing this now does not mean I believe this statement of hers to be true. I have no memories of this song or running around the house what so ever. Instead, I am writing this because I see many similarities in my life now that does resonate with these lyrics. Maybe they have, maybe they have not.

I aspire to change the world. Influencing and improving the qualities of life for majority of souls on this Earth. Though, it's much deeper than that. I live to help people, I get out of bed to make people smile. I would give everything I could to change the world – giving resources to the under-resourced, liberating the condemned & un-free, and bringing smiles to those who've spent their lives frowning. If I could make the world systemically just for all even if it meant ending my life broke, lonely, old, and homeless. I'd do it 1000%.

I Give Myself Away, So You Can Use Me

I've never cared about life all too much. I have spent my life thinking so much that it physically hurts, having more questions than I will ever have answers. Logically life was pointless to me. There's been plenty of times when I've wished my brain would slow down and take a breath. These things have always and still continue to cause me unexplainable amounts of stress and anxiety. My entire conscious life I have had little interest or care for anything in this world. Most situations and conversations are outright stupid to me, I have little patience for people, little to no willingness to do anything I don't want to do, and my overall ambition is lackadaisical. But then again, it's difficult for me not to think all these things in a world of so much uncertainty and free will. A world full of disguises and false idols, rewarding the selfish and punishing the giving. But I would never kill myself, it would hurt way too much. So if I could do it in passive way such as a video game, I wouldn't hesitate.

But probably most importantly I find much peace in the fact that our one guarantee in life is death. it allows me to know this suffering isn't forever. This oddly gave me a goal and a logical reason for being. Since I'm too scarred to ever bring myself harm, and because there's no will to do anything for myself. I simply decided that I wouldn't live for myself, I could give my life to improving the qualities of life for everyone else. Hopefully I could make it easier for those who will one day come after me, easier than it was for me at least.

Since then thats what's pushed me to help the countless amounts of people I have so far in my journey. That is what has got me out of bed all the days I didn't want to, or made me go to a meeting when I was tired or had school. It is the sole reason I choose to go to college – so I can acquire the knowledge and means to help the amount of people I aspire to. It's what makes me network and build relationships. This way of thinking is what has given me passion. Its endowed me to wake up and strive for something as big as changing the world as a whole.

Unsurprisingly this way of living has caused me to seriously overexert myself, stretching myself very thin, and ending many relationship strictly for my mission. I put school, my loved ones, and myself all on the back burner. Strictly because I felt that I couldn't help as many people at the time if I put them first. It was easy to do these things and make these decisions, because it was my very will to live that was making these decisions for me. Until I crashed. Then I didn't even have the energy let alone the mental strength to do much of anything.

I have big dreams and the ambition to achieve them. I built myself up from nothing all while pushing myself to the brink of destruction. My reasons for living outweighed my individual needs. This mission is in the least bit for myself... but at the same time it gives me everything – which is my very will to live. And yet, it seems this has taken away everything from me – including my mental & physical health, my social life and my unique individual being.

I understood something very important not too long ago after crashing from over extending myself. I may never achieve the goals I have set forth if I don't properly take care of myself physically & mentally, acquiring more knowledge, and building the proper resources. I often wonder if I only do the things I do, so I can continue living peacefully and willfully.

It seems I have only begun to live for myself properly, to more perfectly dedicate my life to others.

The end.

"I give myself away, so you can use me."

I hope you enjoyed, – M.S.

One love.