Am I Happy?

Intro

AM I HAPPY?

"How have you been doing lately"?

For some reason when I say I am feeling anything other than happiness, I am looked upon as depressed.

What do I say when someone ask, "how are you doing today?", and I am feeling everything except happiness?

Why do I always feel guilty whenever my answer is anything other than a feeling that says I'm happy?

Why does happy mean good?

My greatest want was to live a happy life. A life filled with joy and constant happiness, a concept that sounds foolish, at least to me that is. The interesting thing is that most will admit that you cannot live a life of constant happiness. It just isn’t realistic in a world of constant random tragedy’s.

Ironically it feels as though right now, majority of people in this world are trying their absolute hardest to feel constantly happy. Everyday all I can think about is whether I am happy at all.

What is happiness for me?

That is the very question that led me to writing this piece, leading down to a spiral of more questions. Such as, why I smile when I'm upset or why not feeling happy emotions equates to feeling negative ones. This curiosity has also led me to believing that I have held myself back from understanding my deepest thoughts and desires, those that guide my actions and feelings. I say this specifically because the pursuit of happiness has left me in pieces. My feelings have become a misunderstood entity with negative stereotypes and warning signs across any that do not align with what my perception of happiness is.

All of the above has led me to a 3-part process that I have outlined in this piece. Each part will be numbered and you will see a line break to indicate when each part of this process for myself has started and ended overall. This process has helped me in further understanding myself in 3 main ways; First it has assisted me in understanding why I desire to be happy, secondly deeply understanding my current perception of what happiness is, and lastly the influences in my life that has shaped my current perception of happiness. This process has allowed me to be comfortable with my uncomfortable feelings. Comfortable enough to ask questions about them, understand them and how they influence my actions, and change my reactions that stem from those emotional triggers.

Chapter 1

WHO DO I THINK I AM?

The first part of this process came naturally, it is my beginnings, my origin story. The first part of this process is what makes you who you are. It is the structure that was taught to you, most likely deeply connected to your guardian/parental influences as a child. This will usually tie into the value you place on any identity that you claim.

For example, growing up in a Christian household I am as well as many others are familiar with the concept that true happiness may involve a great deal of suffering and waiting. So I made hard decisions that benefited me none except for the virtue it reflected. I sought happiness in the hope things would get better, and that everything I did was for an eternal kingdom. Although it seems maybe my faith wasn't strong enough. I also grew up in an American household where we felt that happiness was a human right.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." - American Declaration of independence

I developed a mindset that humans deserve to be happy, and that it was something pursuable. Maybe I didn't strive for it hard enough. I was raised in a Black household, a place where you learn that if you want happiness, you must first survive. So I did everything to protect my physical, spiritual, and mental health so I could then begin to think about what could make me happy. It seems although I didn't fight hard enough. I tried to seek happiness every way I knew how, and still I asked myself, "am I happy?". Although my life is far from over, it seemed the more I lived, my greatest want kept feeling further and further away.

Interlude

QUESTIONS LEAD TO MORE QUESTIONS.

I took me a while until I was able to move on and experience the next 2 parts of this process. Whether it was because I needed a situational trigger or because I simply wasn't ready, I do not know. I do know that I was tired of asking myself the same question, and somewhere along that line I began to ask different questions. Any question that could explain why I felt the way I did –

"What is happiness? What does it mean to be happy? Where does happiness come from? Can you control your own happiness? Why do I value happiness over all other feelings?"

The Ancient Greek first viewed constant happiness as a gift from the gods – something only great luck can conjure – and something that cannot be judged until after death. As no man who has gone through great suffering can ever truly achieve eudaimonia (pronounced yoo-di-MOH-nee-uh) – the Ancient Greek's word to describe a state of constant happiness.

"Count no man happy until he is dead". - Legislator Solon (c. 640–560 BCE)

They then changed their standpoint, arguing that eudaimonia can be achieved by oneself. Going one step further, many greek philosophers challenged that one can achieve this constant state of happiness by living and acting virtuously, (committing actions that display high values, principals, and morals).

Although that is just a thought piece, it introduced an entire new process of thoughts within me. I realized that constant happiness was a concept, a perception of reality that humans desire to control. A small, once ignored idea that has simply evolved. I do not argue that the questions or ideas that these men introduced are in anyway negative or wrong, but only human.

Same as the greeks, my standpoint on happiness has changed greatly through my growth or evolution. What we call happiness, I simply call a feeling. Same as anger, jealousy, confusion, worry, excitement, fear, loneliness, or frustration. Our feelings are not things we can escape or control, but only choose to suppress and/or understand. I believe our emotional reactions are something deeply ingrained into us from the social influences around us.

For as anti-climactic as that was, it's what I needed to understand in order to move onto the next 2 parts of my journey. Because what I discovered was that in order to understand and deeply dive in on your feelings the first thing you must do is feel. By doing this I received a microscope into the deeply ingrained morals, principles, and ethics that have guided my emotional and physical reactions.

CHAPTER 2

IF NOT HAPPINESS, THEN WHAT?

Like I explained, the second part of this process would force me to feel and sit in the emotions that come from experiences I have, I additionally take note of the physical reactions that are produced.

For example, I recently went back to my old church to speak on myself and things I have accomplished over the years. There was a young Black boy who stepped up to speak, about 7 years old, no older than me when I started speaking in front of my church. Out of nowhere I felt an intense wave of sorrow and fear towards the young man as he spoke, I then felt confused. I felt as if I should have been happy for him – I saw a human full of potential, beginning his journey the same way I began mine. The young man reminded me so much of myself. I could see the nervousness in his eyes, I heard the unsureness in his words, the confusion from why he had to speak, and I felt the confidence despite it all. But I didn't feel happy, instead I wanted to cry for the boy, hold him, and tell him to get the microphone out his hands. In that moment I was looking at a younger version of myself and in that moment, I wanted to tell myself to run away from everything I have strained myself to build. And weirdly instead of crying, I smiled.

I used this example because the following days after this experience was depressing. Instead of simply feeling and experiencing my emotions, I lingered on the thought that seeing such a spectacular boy that mirrored myself didn’t make me happy. I lingered on the thought that this could mean that I wasn't happy with my achievements, my journey, my life, or myself.

I looked at that moment and used those feelings to see how I truly felt, helping me understand my deep personal feelings towards my own life in that moment.

This part was the easiest to feel but the hardest to personally admit, for me that is. Because to admit feeling something entirely opposite to what you expected yourself to, means to many, that you were not happy with what has just happened. Which is more scary than I'd like to admit.

I held 2 positions representing over 100,000 youth in total since I was 16. I had been going to 6+ meetings a week, leading a team, spearheading 2 initiatives, and more. I was and still am exhausted. I was tired from expectations to be great. I was tired of everyone seeing me as happy, even though that’s what I was portraying. I needed a break but I could never allow myself the rest I needed for many reasons. The biggest one being, that according to social standards and the general public everything in my life was great. I had new things to celebrate every month – constant growth, achievements, and relationships with girls and friends were more clear than ever. My expectations for how I should feel strained my ability to be honest with how I truly felt. This is what kept me from giving myself the room for things I needed, such as rest and balance.

CHAPTER 3

YOUR DEEPEST DESIRES…

Because my expectations held me back from simply feeling, I then looked at how I wanted myself to feel in that moment and the emotions I expected from the situation. This was to understand the expectations I have put on myself from social and various other influences.

Venturing into how I want myself to feel is always the easiest part for me. It's the deepest desire that always lingers in us animals - constant happiness and the avoidance of hurt. It's usually easier for me to use the reactions or emotions I'm uncomfortable with to understand why I want other specific feelings.

In this specific event the feeling I did not want to experience and tried my hardest to ignore was crying. I hate crying, so much so I wrote a piece about it called 'Why Can't I Cry'. I have always been aware that I am uncomfortable with crying. It's something that shames me, and makes me feel little every time it arises. From my father's disappointment in reaction to my tears, to society saying men shouldn't cry.

"Sad man cannot cry in place where man can see" - Frank Ocean

In my household crying meant you gave up, in community crying meant that something deeply upset you.

I had to look deeper within at the parts of myself that makes me believe I am, who I say I am. The values I uphold, the goals that define me, the parts of myself I boast or hide. These parts of myself are what told me whether or not my life was going how I desired. I wanted to understand the role these parts of myself played in determining my perception of happiness. And, ultimately how this affects my reluctance to cry and ability to force a smile.

It was important to explore how my different realities or parts of my identity influenced how I expected myself to feel. This allowed me to finally see how those expectations influenced my perception of what happiness was.

For example, my reality with being a man, who should stand tall, chin high, with a helping hand out told me that crying was weak. The reality of me needing to be great whispered that crying would taint my legacy. Lastly, my reality of being independent screamed that crying would mean I needed a shoulder to lean on. Crying in that moment meant that I was portraying everything I did not want to be. And, in that moment, crying would have meant that I was nothing I thought I was. So instead of crying in that moment, I forced a smiled, to uphold the expectations I and others have put on myself. And to give myself physical proof of the happiness I expected and wanted.

I did not linger on that moment with sadness because I almost cried, or because I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I lingered because, in fact, that moment reflected everything I viewed as depressing, weak, and broken.

None of those things aligned with my perception of happiness and actually that would confirm my greatest fear. That I am not who I think I am, and that I am not a happy person.

OUTRO

MAYBE ONE DAY.

Specifically it's the third part of this process that has pushed me to the theory that constant happiness has become a primitive, and instinctive concept. Something that is a fantasy and holds one back from deeply understanding oneself in the moment, rather than past or future tense.

Sigmund Freud introduced the idea of what we all call our Ego's. Specifically he introduced the Id, Superego, and Ego. Freud described these as mental or non physical systems rather than actual physical parts of our brains. I want to focus on the Id or what freud describes as the most primitive and instinctual part of the mind. He argued that this part of the brain is driven by many things, including primary process thinking and the pleasure principle. The part of you that avoids pain and wants instant pleasure, no matter the consequences, the voice inside you that wants what it wants right now. Lastly, Freud says the Id's logic is primitive, irrational, and fantasy orientated – having no care the time it will take as long as the pleasure is achieved.

Happiness has become a pleasure for humans, something that we chase endlessly no matter what the sacrifices are. It's the same reason you'd die for your lover. The same reasons politicians can kill millions in foreign land if it means euphoria for their people. If you can control someone's perceptions of pleasure, avoiding them of hurt, then you can control them.

The problem with happiness is that whenever we scale it, or whenever we think about it we mostly always focus on the past or future. For example –

"I would be much happier if I could get...",

"If my parents __, I would have been a happy child...",

"When I accomplish __, I will be so happy I won't need anything else."

I came to the conclusion that my current perception of happiness was not constructed by me. Instead it was the result of years worth of influence, others perception of what it meant to live a happy life. Years worth of lectures telling me that happiness was more than a feeling in the moment, and something that I could control, predetermine, something that could make all the bad go away if I just put in the effort.

There are things that have hurt me deeply, experiences and feelings that display perfectly what we call depression. To many, I am a sad person in many ways maybe more ways than I am happy. But, the knowledge I have gained about myself has made me content, and in many ways blissful. I've become comfortable with my reactions, I've been able to understand them, and finally I've started to change them.

When people ask me, "How have you been doing lately"?, I often say I have been well, meaning that I am feeling everything.

Still I hope and desire, that maybe with enough self understanding, there'll be room for constant happiness. True Eudaimonia.

As always thank you for reading – Maximus, One Love.