When Nothing Goes As Planned

Nothing in my life has gone as planned.

Not a single plan I have fostered has been flawlessly executed. Majority times they have outright failed as a whole. Many plans have fell short on me, broke my confidence, and distorted the very world I perceived.

But what are I without a plan? One that guides my dreams, shows my values, and gets me out of bed. One I can boast about and share with those that I trust dearly.

I feel foolish or needy to want a plan for my future that people will applaud. Or, one that shows a path saying I have my head on a swivel.

What are I without a plan that I can bet everything on, allowing me to control the determination of my future. One that lays out a road to greatness and tells everyone I have seen it all from the beginning. What about my plans with a significant other that I'm able to call my soulmate.

For some reason I need a plan, whether it's just a walk outside and seeing where I end or something as big as changing the world. I need something to start with, a direction to head towards.

What I failed to realize was that it's not your plans that give you control. But instead your ability to adapt and time it takes to react when your plans fall short, breaking your confidence, and distorting your very perception of the world.

But in a world of so much uncertainty and chaos, plans give me a light to carry for a night spent in the dark. More importantly, it gives me a sense of self control in an uncontrollable environments.

I often question if I need a plan at all. Could I find the success and change I strive for by chasing a feeling – a vision that seems so real I can almost touch it? Could I make all my dreams come true without a plan A or B?

Can someone be so good at adaptation that they are able to control the outcome of any situation no matter how much it may go to shit? Does a person need a logistically sound plan to achieve their desired outcome? What keeps you down the correct road if it’s not a plan?

Why change the plan?

There are many reasons I ask these questions at this point in my life. A reason being that I am in a transition to college. I like many other students, don't know who or what is in store for me. Another reason being, I am in the middle of an additional bigger transition apart from high school to college. One that shifts me from thinking about the majority to solely myself.

While I'm in the midst of these transitions, plans feel like the key to my future; protecting my dreams but giving me the adventures with great stories I yearn to tell my grandchildren.

My plans gave me a sense of security and control because it gave me a guide for my dreams. My dreams are more than dear to me, only I know my true ever growing goals and dreams. They encapsulate everything I have been through and tells a story of everything I want to be in this one life. My plans gave me a feeling of control because it gave me peace and reassurance in my dreams.

The biggest reason I ask such trivial questions is simply because I am confused about almost everything. I know what I want to do, but then there's so much I could be. Then again I don't know who I am. I don't have a big variety in what I like, and don't really know what I might like. I don't know why I subject myself to being an ever-giving human being. I don't know how or where to start, to even begin understanding any of these things.

There are quite a few aspect of myself I can answer though. Such as how I feel at any given moment, and the feelings I want others to experience from my actions. I know that I want those who come after me to have an easier and fairer time than I was subjected to.

I have somewhat given up on understanding who I am in this current moment. It is incredibly difficult to answer the question, “who are you?”, in great detail. It seems the reasons I decline the traditional meaning and use of a plan is because I don’t have the traditional understanding of myself needed for one.

“Can someone be so good at adaptation that they are able to control the outcome of any situation no matter how much it may go to shit? Does a person need a logistically sound plan to achieve their desired outcome? What keeps you down the correct road if it’s not a plan?”

I believe the understanding of my own feelings and emotions will empower me to achieve the goals I have set. Because when I look around it's not a plan that gives one the strength to succeed and overcome obstacles. What gives a person or a people the strength to achieve and overcome, is the unquenchable thirst for that feeling they long for, believing said successes will grant that wish.

"live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life... and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau

For example, many people chase riches because the physical and mental uncomfortableness that comes with being broke. Many people chase fame in the hope of admiration. Many revolutions last because those people refuse to give up the possibility of feeling physical and mentally free. I chase change in hopes of feeling at peace.

The point being, that what I failed to realize is that a plan for your future, or relationships, or overall day to day, cannot encompasses a fixed structure. It is impossible to plan your life on a step by step ladder. When in reality that ladder will most certainly have missing steps, ones that you will not know the position of until you begin climbing.

I believe your plan should encompass the want for a great story with the arrogance of an even greater goal. It shouldn't really be much of a plan at all but more a feeling you're chasing and yearning for, but can't really define. Your plan, same as your feelings, should be ever-growing and evolving, never fixed.

I believe to achieve the level of adaptability I speak about, I must let go of the traditional meaning of what a plan is. I have been using plans as the table of contents for my life's story. I wonder instead can I use those feelings I yearn for as my plan? And, instead of using it as a fixed table of contents, I wonder if it can be used more loosely as the theme and overall guide for my story.

The new plan?

I imagine the concept as such; this level of adaptability would most surely come as a 2 part system – one that must be in perfect synchronization. I see the first part starting in the mind and the second being in your actions.

I would use this 2 part system in every facet of life. This includes every decision I make, every place I choose to go, every factor of my day to day life, and every event or situation that calls for preparation.

My goals and dreams for my life is to ensure resources, create new seats at the table, and create a culture of love and community – one that foster's and involve's youth in creation. I want to create a world where everyone is heard, seen, taken care of, and has room to create. These are the things that may give me the feelings of peace I yearn for. Every action I take must stay closely aligned with everything I just laid out, with room for amendments towards my goals as I gain further knowledge. By following this 'plan' can I achieve a successful outcome, or achieve the goals I have set?.

By following this version of my 'plan' it's easier for me to understand what outcome I desire from any given situation. Since I understand the deep fundamental things I want to feel and accomplish, I am able to see multiple outcomes that would be sufficient for my goals. Because I have abandoned the traditional outlining of a 'plan', it feels like I have fell out of love for one specific outcome. In turn, this has allowed me to become very open minded when dealing with various different problems.

Past understanding what I desire, I mustn't get caught up in the endless possibilities and outcomes. There has to be a way to decipher which outcome is the best suited towards your goals. I believe this key to deciphering an outcome, will lie in my pursuit of knowledge. I will never obtain the abilities, skills, and experiences needed for the level of adaptability I speak of without bookworm, or the basic life experience/street knowledge.

I greatly believe the knowledge I speak of is found in your actions. It is found in every place you visit, every person you choose to converse with, and everything you wish to understand or question. I further believe deeply, that true knowledge is in the empty spaces where pride, judgement, fear, arrogance, and criticism are absent.

Each action I take after understanding my desired outcome must stay grounded, remaining reserved for further open-minded, pride-less understanding. This looks like being open to criticism from team members, or any audience present, and even seeking criticism in your actions. Furthermore it forces me to have uncomfortable conversations, ones I must have in order to receive that open, pride-less understanding.

By following the current understanding I have of my goals, it's easier for me to achieve an outcome that is aligned with what I have described as my, Life's Theme. Every action I take should be with the intent of acquiring knowledge to further understand what my desired outcome is, and how to achieve it. More knowledge means I have more outcomes. That is the adaptability I speak of.

But then again, I'm only 18. Although interesting, I wonder if this piece is supposed to make me feel better about my lack of a plan – something everyone seems to have besides myself.

I hope you enjoyed,

M.S.

One love.